All posts tagged: self-improvement

Monologue

I find myself here every once in a while. A place of self-deprecating sorrow and paper thin vulnerability. In these moments I feel much like a child with a flimsy sense of self, hanging on the approving words and looks of others, aiming to please.  Every personal negative trait, flaw, mistake, downfall circles endlessly on a conveyer belt for me and all others to see. In my worst moments, all the disapproving words, implied criticism from others are true. They are right,  I am not enough… At this moment all my accomplishments are just an attempt to eclipse, the deep and harsh reality that I am not enough. The façade collapses and I am empty vessel filled with self-pity. I gather some strength to rebuttal that I am enough! But I am fearful its just another eclipse of the truth. My wisest self is graceful and gentle. My wisest self reminds me YES the truth is I am both flawed and wonderful at the same time. Why cant the duality coexist in one? She asks. My wisest self accepts and …

Dichotomy of me

One tells me in stern confidence you are enough, looks in the mirror proudly and murmurs you are perfect just the way you are, she argues you are interesting, intelligent, with talent to burn and an abundance of creative of ideas. She adds aimed to be somebody, a stand out from the crowd. The other hesitant to speak, whispers you are not enough, overly emotional, weak, fearful and insecure, desperately cries seeking approval, begging for gold stars above her forehead. She is fragile and could collapse to pieces with looks of disapproval. Constantly on the borderline of narcissism and self-pity. One pulling me to reach to the limitless skies, the other wanting me to taste the dirt beneath my feet. One helps motivate and fuel my dreams and passions. The other keeps me questioning, doubting, in self reflection, always aiming at self improvement. Both torment me, either can destroy me in isolation from the other, together they make the dichotomy that is me. Somewhere in between lies sanity.