All posts tagged: poetry

Monologue

I find myself here every once in a while. A place of self-deprecating sorrow and paper thin vulnerability. In these moments I feel much like a child with a flimsy sense of self, hanging on the approving words and looks of others, aiming to please.  Every personal negative trait, flaw, mistake, downfall circles endlessly on a conveyer belt for me and all others to see. In my worst moments, all the disapproving words, implied criticism from others are true. They are right,  I am not enough… At this moment all my accomplishments are just an attempt to eclipse, the deep and harsh reality that I am not enough. The façade collapses and I am empty vessel filled with self-pity. I gather some strength to rebuttal that I am enough! But I am fearful its just another eclipse of the truth. My wisest self is graceful and gentle. My wisest self reminds me YES the truth is I am both flawed and wonderful at the same time. Why cant the duality coexist in one? She asks. My wisest self accepts and …

Dichotomy of me

One tells me in stern confidence you are enough, looks in the mirror proudly and murmurs you are perfect just the way you are, she argues you are interesting, intelligent, with talent to burn and an abundance of creative of ideas. She adds aimed to be somebody, a stand out from the crowd. The other hesitant to speak, whispers you are not enough, overly emotional, weak, fearful and insecure, desperately cries seeking approval, begging for gold stars above her forehead. She is fragile and could collapse to pieces with looks of disapproval. Constantly on the borderline of narcissism and self-pity. One pulling me to reach to the limitless skies, the other wanting me to taste the dirt beneath my feet. One helps motivate and fuel my dreams and passions. The other keeps me questioning, doubting, in self reflection, always aiming at self improvement. Both torment me, either can destroy me in isolation from the other, together they make the dichotomy that is me. Somewhere in between lies sanity.

Happy

In the steam that rises as I pour boiling water into my coffee cup, In my favorite song that for some reason always sounds better as I ride along in my car listening to the radio, In an unexpected smile from an unfamiliar face at the grocery store, In the satisfaction of completed tasks at the end of my work day, In the warmth of the sun as it touches my skin and wind that strokes the hair from my face as I walk to and from my car, As I cook chicken marsala and celebrate my risotto came out just right, In the amnesia induced my my favorites books, films, and t.v. shows, Those fleeing moments, barbecue with family on a warm night, sweaty beers dripping on the brass table, The discussions we have with our friends that challenge us to think differently and more deeply, In the embraces of those we love, a kiss good night, these moments that fill our hearts with joy, peace, feeling in that moment we are right where …

Morning Recluse

Morning recluse Jolt out of bed, with a new hope, possibilities then dread The day’s responsibilities run through my head. I say wait! The morning sun shines like a spot light through my kitchen window A stack of clean glimmering dishes on the kitchen sink, courtesy of my husband Wheezing sound of the tea kettle, warm sweet coffee and buttered toast served I look for a resting place on my couch; My cat looks for a resting place on my lap Outside, neighbor’s engine is starting, the sound  of car motors rushing then police sirens. I say wait! Journal in hand, book of the hour on the table, ukulele on stand by, mind is awake, inspiration alive The day will have to wait just a little longer