All posts tagged: personal

Monologue

I find myself here every once in a while. A place of self-deprecating sorrow and paper thin vulnerability. In these moments I feel much like a child with a flimsy sense of self, hanging on the approving words and looks of others, aiming to please.  Every personal negative trait, flaw, mistake, downfall circles endlessly on a conveyer belt for me and all others to see. In my worst moments, all the disapproving words, implied criticism from others are true. They are right,  I am not enough… At this moment all my accomplishments are just an attempt to eclipse, the deep and harsh reality that I am not enough. The façade collapses and I am empty vessel filled with self-pity. I gather some strength to rebuttal that I am enough! But I am fearful its just another eclipse of the truth. My wisest self is graceful and gentle. My wisest self reminds me YES the truth is I am both flawed and wonderful at the same time. Why cant the duality coexist in one? She asks. My wisest self accepts and …

My Mother’s Love Letters

My mother is a woman of strong character, unyielding pride, and highly critical. She is not a woman who has historically said “I love you” or “te quiero.” But as a teenager even through our disagreements, even when she was infuriated she never refrained from offering me food and this is how I knew we would get past it.  Like many other Latina women, my mother’s cooking has become her main avenue of unconditional expressed care and affection. I now understand that a plate of warm quesadillas, was much more than that. As a Mexican woman it is no surprise my mother’s values are consistent with the Latino cultural values of “familismo” and “marianismo,” which emphasize family loyalty and self-sacrifice above all. My mother’s identity is made up of these two values, she makes it a goal to care for her family, her husband, children and grandchildren, to the extent of sacrificing comfort and personal preference. A prime example of this is cooking for everyone else while being the last to eat and still washing the dishes at …