All posts filed under: Personal reflections

Monologue

I find myself here every once in a while. A place of self-deprecating sorrow and paper thin vulnerability. In these moments I feel much like a child with a flimsy sense of self, hanging on the approving words and looks of others, aiming to please.  Every personal negative trait, flaw, mistake, downfall circles endlessly on a conveyer belt for me and all others to see. In my worst moments, all the disapproving words, implied criticism from others are true. They are right,  I am not enough… At this moment all my accomplishments are just an attempt to eclipse, the deep and harsh reality that I am not enough. The façade collapses and I am empty vessel filled with self-pity. I gather some strength to rebuttal that I am enough! But I am fearful its just another eclipse of the truth. My wisest self is graceful and gentle. My wisest self reminds me YES the truth is I am both flawed and wonderful at the same time. Why cant the duality coexist in one? She asks. My wisest self accepts and …

Response to recent happenings

I feel a build up in my chest, I can shed a thousand tears none of which belong to me. For our people, nation, world. Thirst, hunger, pain, fear, hate, tragedy. Let’s open our ears, eyes, arms and hearts. Diverse does not have to equal perverse. Let fear not lead us to mistakes done by those before. Let wisdom, love, hope be the driving force and change for a better tomorrow be our aim.

On being a new mom

My son was born three months ago, and nothing not even 9 months of pregnancy could have prepared me for what awaited me. I had some vague idea about what it meant to be a parent, I mean I knew many parents including my own mother who birthed seven and was a pro at it. So naively I thought to myself, there is not much to this. Before my son’s birth I had engaged in endless research on pregnancy and the birth and delivery process but somehow didn’t think to research on how to take care of a new human being!Oh man and those first two weeks home were tough. I quickly learned that parenting wouldn’t be just another accomplishment to check off my list. My new born wouldn’t be the cutest accessory accompanying me on my daily adventures. My hobbies would not be exercised as freely as before. I wouldn’t be free on Friday evenings to drink with my girlfriends. I wouldn’t be able to go on morning hikes to the highest peaks in …

On Pregnancy and Change

I published my last post on April 24th 2015. Exactly one month later I would find out I was 5 weeks pregnant. As you could imagine this life changing news has kept me preoccupied and without time to write on my experiences until now. I am 38 weeks pregnant this Sunday. Awaiting the arrival of my little. Knowing my life will forever be altered, but not knowing exactly how. In these last 9 months I have already felt transformed both physically and mentally. Constantly amazed at this process going on inside of me, process of a life growing. Other than the obvious event that must occur in order to get pregnant, I felt as though I had very little to do with the ongoing life development. I felt a spectator to my own body, having no choice but to watch in awe, and I did. As a self proclaimed control freak such a situation where I have so little control usually has my panties in a bunch. However, I think the hormone cocktail inside me helped to put me at …

Dichotomy of me

One tells me in stern confidence you are enough, looks in the mirror proudly and murmurs you are perfect just the way you are, she argues you are interesting, intelligent, with talent to burn and an abundance of creative of ideas. She adds aimed to be somebody, a stand out from the crowd. The other hesitant to speak, whispers you are not enough, overly emotional, weak, fearful and insecure, desperately cries seeking approval, begging for gold stars above her forehead. She is fragile and could collapse to pieces with looks of disapproval. Constantly on the borderline of narcissism and self-pity. One pulling me to reach to the limitless skies, the other wanting me to taste the dirt beneath my feet. One helps motivate and fuel my dreams and passions. The other keeps me questioning, doubting, in self reflection, always aiming at self improvement. Both torment me, either can destroy me in isolation from the other, together they make the dichotomy that is me. Somewhere in between lies sanity.

Happy

In the steam that rises as I pour boiling water into my coffee cup, In my favorite song that for some reason always sounds better as I ride along in my car listening to the radio, In an unexpected smile from an unfamiliar face at the grocery store, In the satisfaction of completed tasks at the end of my work day, In the warmth of the sun as it touches my skin and wind that strokes the hair from my face as I walk to and from my car, As I cook chicken marsala and celebrate my risotto came out just right, In the amnesia induced my my favorites books, films, and t.v. shows, Those fleeing moments, barbecue with family on a warm night, sweaty beers dripping on the brass table, The discussions we have with our friends that challenge us to think differently and more deeply, In the embraces of those we love, a kiss good night, these moments that fill our hearts with joy, peace, feeling in that moment we are right where …