I find myself here every once in a while. A place of self-deprecating sorrow and paper thin vulnerability. In these moments I feel much like a child with a flimsy sense of self, hanging on the approving words and looks of others, aiming to please. Every personal negative trait, flaw, mistake, downfall circles endlessly on a conveyer belt for me and all others to see. In my worst moments, all the disapproving words, implied criticism from others are true. They are right, I am not enough…
At this moment all my accomplishments are just an attempt to eclipse, the deep and harsh reality that I am not enough.
The façade collapses and I am empty vessel filled with self-pity.
I gather some strength to rebuttal that I am enough! But I am fearful its just another eclipse of the truth.
My wisest self is graceful and gentle. My wisest self reminds me YES the truth is I am both flawed and wonderful at the same time. Why cant the duality coexist in one? She asks.
My wisest self accepts and loves me just as I am, and knows others also have. NOT ALL others but some. My wisest self reminds me not everyone will understand you, but those important to you will love you regardless.
And both my strengths and deficits make the totality of me together. And a perceived deficit all at once can be my strength.
I listen to my wisest self, her words are comforting. I know they ring truth. But I find the self-deprecating thoughts still circle like shark around its prey.
My illogical self still chases the approval of others, and is fed by the stack of awards and accolades on her wall. My illogical self will continue to chase the unreachable and stumble back into this dark whole when it realizes once a again that you cannot base self love on the acceptance of others.
How this is lesson so easily forgot.